Sunday, April 26, 2009

Full Stop: No Go Pt 2

Well, here we are.
And here we will be.

Despite Coffeedoc's superhuman effort for the past 48 hours {and still he keeps turning things over in his head, stewing, examining, looking for a way}, we now know: we don't go.

We are full of those fruitless useless "what if's": "if only the embassy doc interpreted the protocol more specifically" "if only the embassy doc had her classified properly" "if we had only had a court date a few weeks earlier" "if they didn't have such a lag when our papers hit" etc etc etc.
Recrimination and fretting is ridiculous selfish sad bitter taste.
Those "ifs" are pure torture and pure pity party, but almost impossible to stem {and I'd by lying if I said they didn't flit through our heads}.

Make no mistake, while our pity party has been thrown for us to be sure, it is ever more so iced with the deep worry over our Marta, what this means for her, to her, how she is understanding and dealing with it all and how it might pan out. And that worry is deep and true. She is a child, caught in a bureaucratic machine.
And I can find myself frozen in the fears of that.

But. Here is where we are, on the objective surface of things:
New proposed Embassy date: July 8 (my big brother's bday).
New proposed travel date: July 4

New prayer bleg, even more serious: please please pray for a clear culture (our CDC friend pointed out that cultures in kids are always dicey, easily contaminated, unpredictable..frequent false positives....which would lead to disaster for our girl).
That's it. Just a clear culture, no growth, heck, sterile even!

My unspeakable thanks and gratitude for the support and prayers and emails.
They mean the world and help so much. Thank you.
And I do trust in God's will, even when I cannot fathom it and it's hard to walk through...
I choose to trust it {even when my controlling reflex is to rail at it and cause a scene in Barnes and Noble}.

And, in the meantime, we try to stand back up and catch back our breath from the hollowed out cavity in our chest that is scraped clean and raw but is somehow so much heavier.
And we pray through the hurt and sorrow of it all, pray through the hard.

Because even though, even that, is so hard and our words are gone....
what else do we have to do, or hang on to, but that?

11 comments:

Jen said...

Beautifully written. We feel the hurt and concern. Praying and shamelessly soliciting the prayers of others.

DrewCareyShow said...

We are simply heart broken for you. You've been on our hearts 'round the clock. I wish I had appropriate words, but do know that you are all in our prayers. Much love.

Nikki said...

Oh, yuck. This is not what we wanted to hear. But praying nevertheless. Praying for a beautiful peace over Marta and the rest of your family. And praying for a clean culture. So very sorry. Thanks for letting us walk alongside you in prayer. Trusting God for the big picture even when a little girl is not with her family doesn't appear to have a big picture.

Praying.

courtney rose said...

We are praying for you and yours, dear one. Praying, praying, praying.

Kathy said...

So sorry that you are unable to travel now. We will continue to pray for you & your family.

Life in Fitzville said...

I will say big prayers. I still remember very clearly being in a tormented position of wondering when/if we could get our son home. He was so sick and desperately needed to get here. I prayed hard to Mary... thinking if anyone would answer my prayers it would be another mother. I went to mass that morning in a haze... and only realized after I sat down in church that it was Dec. 8th... the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I cried in church that day, and was not all that surprised when we got a phone call with good news that night.

I will throw out a few special Hail Mary's for you guys!

The Albertsons said...

i have no words...
just lots of love and prayers sent your way and to Marta as well... just know that you are not alone and that so many are here for you and love you dearly...

Monica said...

Ugh! I'm so sorry. I know this is beyond disappointing. Praying for you, Marta, and your family.

Christine said...

Will be keeping you and especially Marta in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping for a spotless culture! It's so hard. Sending peaceful vibes.

Christine

Wendy said...

Prayers for Marta that she will know that she is loved, that this is not her fault, and that her parents love her and are coming to get her soon. (And prayers for a clear culture too!)

Susan and Chad said...

We will be thinking of your family over the next few weeks. Many many peaceful blessings to you...